Monday, December 21, 2009


Where do I start? Christmas time and the holidays in general, have always been a difficult time for me. Well, let me rephrase that... I think after I got older and stopped staying with my father for Christmas, I truly started to miss that BIG family gathering I got so used to. It was how predictable things were - The Buffalo Snow, seeing my friends again.... a warm toasty fire in the fire place... seeing the HUGE Christmas tree my dad got every year (sometimes so big he had to tie it to the stairs, and my aunts and uncles on my dad's side and of course my Grandpa O'Brien. My grandfather was a big tall man, and he had an "iron finger" he loved to tickle us with... but it hurt more than tickled. = ) I never told him. He passed away in November 2007 - and this year, as with every year, I pulled that ornament out of the box and hung it on my tree. A picture of me and him, the last time I saw him, on his 85th birthday. It's hard to look at for me and I usually start crying, the same way I do when I pull my dear friend Luann's ornament out. She died from lung cancer, I saw her last in march on my 30th birthday - she died almost 4 months later. I never really got to sat goodbye - I wish I could let that out of my mind, but it is hard for me.... I guess the same way I never got to say goodbye to my grandpa. Now my Grandma Lucy has the beginnings of Alzheimer's... They say dementia, but my mom and I agree it seems much worse. My grandma always cooked, now my Grandpa does. She lost interest. She forgets where the washing machine is, he has to watch her constantly. I miss the way my "grammy" used to be... I wish she was well again. It breaks my heart and it warms my heart to see all that my grandfather does for her. They have been together over 60 years, married. It's true love and commitment to see him take care of her - making sure she is safe every minute of the day.

This Christmas has been a little harder than most - my husband and I Have been through a lot this year, the past few months have been especially hard - my main goal is to make sure my little boy has a good Christmas morning.... seeing his little bright blue eyes shine when he wakes to see what Santa has left him, brings joy to my husband and I. We have tried to buy things along the way. This will be our first Christmas that we don't have presents for each other and it makes me sad. But then I remember it's my little man that we are concentrating on and I am thankful I have my family. And also thankful we have a new addition to our family too.... Baby Rylee.